Stress, sprouting seeds, and a new hamster

I know I stay home, much more, as much as I can, because of how hard things are right now. Today I had to go out. I struggled with getting myself organized for the trip, an easy trip, a trip I make more than once a week, every week. Things that take less than 30 minutes for most other people that I know. It took me five hours. And an entire pill of lorazepam. For a "usual" trip, and one not-usual store right next to a usual store.

I kept getting distracted, yes. But it is much more than just that. I'd give my brain a command and it wouldn't process it. I'd need to write a list of where I was going and what was needed, and my brain could not tell my fingers to write instead of twirling the pencil in my fingers. I needed to walk to the bathroom for some reason, and I kept walking in small circles instead.

Eventually I got frustrated, and that's when I realized what was going on. So I took a lorazepam and used every bit of my brain to super-focus very hard on just the one thing that I needed done, and the next, and the next. Exhausting. I was still walking in circles when I got to the store, but the lorazepam had slightly dulled the sensory chaos and holding the shopping basket kept my hands from their unstoppable motions.

There is still the two huge paperworks that I need to do, but I can't today. J., so nice, took responsibility for the Virginia Mason paperwork stuff and he went to the post office today so I didn't have to. I usually go but today I could not. One less important paperwork stuff to do, and the most critical, I am very grateful though I do feel retarded, and stupid, for not being able to understand it.



As long as I stay sitting, then my body doesn't walk in circles. As long as I keep things in my hands, they won't hit my head or twirl objects or other random unstoppable motions. As long as I don't look at red things, I think I can keep from screaming or throwing up. Maybe.

I am not looking forward to the lorazepam wearing off.


A few days ago, it snowed. I made many small snow friends along the deck railing. They are all melted now. Poor friends. It is traumatizing the way they broke, fell off, melted, and then just disappeared as if they never existed. With only the pictures (shoved together for space) to say they were ever there at all. So much work, too, to make them all. I'm afraid to look in the freezer to see if my snowball is still there or if it too disappeared.

 My newly-finished blue bunny stuffed animal was feeling too naked, so I made her a dress. The material is so very pretty, I got it to make me a summer dress but it was too intimidating and confusing. I don't think I'll be able to make the dress for me without someone to guide me through the steps. Which is sad, it would have made such a pretty summer dress. The bunny feels happier now with her (very easy to make) dress. It is held snug under her arms by the blue ribbon with the bow in the front, and there is a snap at the collar in the back to help get it off her. But aside from that, it's just a tube of fabric. Much easier.

I got a new baby hamster, she looks like a miniature black bear. She is all black except for a white stripe from the tip of her nose underneath down to between her front hands, and her hands and feet are normal skin colored. She is sleeping in the brown can of cocoa mix on the right, with the wooden ladder leading to the floor and a bit of tissue sticking out. I may try taking pictures of the hamster herself (who is currently without a name, because I'm too stressed, but she is SO VERY adorably cute and I already like her a lot) tonight when she wakes up, if she looks comfortable enough. I already fed her one sunflower seed yesterday but I went too fast. I really do know better, I should not do that. Poor hamster. I hope I don't make too many more mistakes with her, she doesn't deserve that.

My clover and alfalfa seeds have mostly sprouted long white worm-looking things. This has been enough for me to not dig up my parsley seeds, which aren't likely to have sprouted anything yet. J.'s idea, since I really struggle with needing to know if the seeds have sprouted or not and can't keep myself from digging up the seeds to check. I also have parsley seeds planted right up against a clear plastic container's side, marked, so I should be able to see the seeds sprout when they do. But the clover and alfalfa seeds are a good distraction.

The signs of spring

Not a lot of words in my head, I've been using them up on things other than my journal. But, there are pretty photos to share, of the signs of spring around the house.

Daffodil bulbs sprouting

More daffodils

Yellow Tulips sprouting, a gift from J. that I thought I had killed

                                        A dragonfly decoration that J. got for me because, he said, he couldn't resist.                                       It's very pretty, shimmery-entrancing in the sunlight.

Speech therapy, Selective Mutism

So the speech therapist thinks (I think) that my speech problem is selective mutism. I am very confused by this. I wrote to her this about my confusion to try to understand. [Edit to add] This is what I wrote to her, but never got a reply, how frustrating. So much enormous effort to write all this, so much time and energy to get the words out, and all wasted for no help no answers at all.

Minor success, class registration, blocking sound

I asked the question, and it didn't offend the person, and I'm totally thrilled about it! At least, they don't seem to have gotten offended.

I'm letting this particular thrill last as long as it can, because those are rare lately.


I got the thing with registering for class this spring sorted out today, I was getting much too stressed waiting for it any longer even though the adviser had told me to wait until I got the spring quarter class schedule. The waiting was too painful, and it seems to have worked out alright anyways. I got my registration time and date (March 7th at 9:15am), and the pin I need to do it online. So one stress dealt with and the rest can just wait, I'm too tired to handle anything else.

It is interesting how often people ask me if I am deaf, I'm not even with ear plugs in. But as unreliable as my brain has been with interpreting sound, it is easier if those I have to deal with make that assumption. They end up being more pleasant and kind to me while restricting their communication to me to in writing only, which does so much to ease my stress when my brain is so messed up.

I know I'm not supposed to muffle my hearing too much, but I have no idea how much is "too much". Lately it's been all night (7-9 hours), and maybe 5-6 hours during the day (of both ear plugs and ear muff things). Is that too much?

Scrambled sounds

This past week my brain has been scrambling sounds more than "usual". It isn't really unusual, my brain does this frequently enough. LiBy's unanticipated death has been part of the reason for it this time but it's mostly because of the stress from school things, headaches, and blocking my hearing too much to try to compensate for the stress and headaches.

I know what resolves the problem: a special kind of quiet time that involves no voices and no efforts to try to understand speech, and a greater adherence to usual routines. I haven't had enough time for it.

I did well for myself yesterday during the speech therapy appointment. When I get that frustrated over not understanding speech, I tend to hit myself in the head. I think the speech therapist would have said or done something if I had done that, so I think I must not have. I do not have much awareness of doing and have a very hard time keeping myself from doing it. I think that is part of why I keep my muscles so tense all the time, to prevent such gestures. I know I was keeping my arms and wrists very tense, because this morning they hurt a lot and feel sore and worn out. It is still much better than hitting myself in the head, which results in migraine headaches at the least.

Dead hamster and being recognized as mute

Yesterday, LiBy died. I do not know why, sometimes hamsters just die for no apparent reason. Pleco fish are like that too, though thankfully my pleco has stayed alive thus far. She was still very young. I had hoped to be able to play with her for at least another year, if not a year and a half or maybe even close to two more years. J. helped me bury her last night. I was very upset, it was very painful. It always is when a hamster dies of anything but old age, I don't understand it. I know I take very good care of my hamsters, but it makes me think maybe I forgot to feed her, or forgot something else, and so accidentally killed her.

I'm still very upset, but not as much. I managed to get myself out of the house and to the post office and grocery store, which was difficult. I really didn't want to go anywhere, except maybe outside in the back yard to enjoy the sun. Partly because the chances of someone wanting to talk to me when I go out are fairly high, whereas there's less than 1% chance of having to talk to someone if I stay home.

This time though, it was interesting. Distracting from the upset of LiBy's untimely death, also. Though now that I'm home again and see the glaringly empty hole, the wrongness, in the living room where her cage was, it's upsetting again.

This person, an older man, is the very first person to realize that I can't speak without me having to tell him so. He was nice, he commented on my motorcycle (as nearly everyone who wants to talk to me does), and said he'd been an MSF instructor for six years.

He also said that he was sorry I was mute, which makes absolutely no sense me whatsoever (redundant I know, but that's how confusing it was!).

Interesting he used the same word for not being able to speak as I have for most of my life: mute. In the past few years, many people have told me that this is the entirely wrong word to use. I don't know why. When I get told this, I get told that the right word is nonverbal. It is not that I disbelieve them, especially given how many people have told me this. In fact, both my medical ID bracelet and pendant say nonverbal on them now instead of mute. Actually the pendant has it hyphenated: non-verbal, but the bracelet does not. I am not sure why, I think the hyphen is a mistake.

I do not understand what the difference is between the two words, why mute is wrong but nonverbal is right. I chose to describe myself as mute because that made it clear that my not talking wasn't a choice, but an inability to speak. I didn't know the word nonverbal until a few years ago.

Unanswerable question, adult responsibilities

J. asked me a question this morning, that type of question that is basically "tell me how you are/have been feeling". I think. I know that I have always had trouble with "how are you" questions. I had not realized that the question stated in different words would be so hard to understand. He had to explain it twice before I sort of understood. I spent a few hours after he left working on figuring out what it was that he was asking. I think it was the "how are you" question. I'm not entirely sure. It was about emotions, I think.

I do not know how to answer that type of question, I have never understood what it is that I am supposed to say in response. Telling me to "just say what you feel!" doesn't help at all, either. How am I supposed to know, to describe, to put in to words, what I feel? I can't identify emotions very well even when they are over-done, exaggerated. It is no easier to understand my own emotions than it is to understand someone else's emotions. Although, it is easier for me to understand if someone else puts their emotions in to words, but my understanding of that is purely theoretical. I have no direct experience with it.

My usual response is to give details on what I have been doing. For example, I might say that I've been working on the plans for this year's vegetable garden (such as the post I did about that). Or, I might talk about my hamsters.

Or,  I might respond with what I want to or need to do in the near future.

These are all *actions*, not emotions. How I "feel" about these things isn't something I can really explain, beyond acknowledging that these things are "stressful". But how stressed, and what else besides that, I don't know.

How I am "doing, overall", I do not know. If I am overwhelmed and heading towards another spectacular weeks-long (or longer) freak-out, I will be able to tell others after it is all over. But not before, never before.

It is not just bad emotions that I can not predict either. I have a hard time knowing how I will feel about anything before it happens. The only exception is, with strict limits, situations that have happened frequently in the past. I know to avoid malls, parks, theaters, restaurants, and other places where people gather because I have had hundreds of experiences of such places that were agonizingly painful to me. Unless I can link a future situation to a past one in enough ways to make it almost exactly the same, I can't predict how I'll react at all even in super-generalized terms. I just don't know.

Someone who knows me very well will learn to predict my reactions far better than I ever could. Which is disturbingly childish, and I don't much like it. But it's even more childish to refuse to accept this when it's true, so I don't. I suppose that sort of balances itself out, though I dislike all the things that indicate childishness in me. Given how hard I've fought to get adult independence (or at least the illusion of it) enough to convince others that I'm fine, and given all the adult-level things I am incapable of, I suppose it's not surprising that I dislike any reminders of my essential childishness. I lack so much self awareness in the moment that many adult responsibilities are very difficult for me.

At least I am aware enough to keep myself from ever getting pregnant, no one else has to suffer from my inadequacies.

It was interesting, getting semi-permanent birth control (I mean an IUD) was the most easy "adult" thing I've ever done. The doctor was very quick to agree with me that I was both incapable of ever being responsible enough to care for a child and incapable of being trusted to handle the birth control method myself. That one time, I was grateful for whatever it is that has kept me mentally childish despite my aging body. It might be perpetuating a "stereotype" that would upset those fancy "disability advocates" type people, but it helped me get stress-free assurance of not becoming pregnant regardless of how irresponsible I end up being. I wish other adult responsibilities were as quick and easy to resolve as this was, and had solutions as easy too.

Lack of Back strength, Posture

I have been not wearing my corset for just about a month, and I am remembering one of the reasons I started wearing a corset but had forgotten... It wasn't just the pressure, but actual support for my body from the steel boning.

It is very hard for me to stay sitting up, without back support. I cannot lean back in my computer chair because that puts my hands too far away from the keyboard. That is the case with all chairs I have ever tried. But even with back support, it's hard. Standing up for long periods of time is hard, too though less so than sitting down. It isn't just my back, but holding up my entire body including my shoulders and neck. It seems like I lack some structural support or something like it, it is so difficult to concentrate on things when I have to also concentrate on keeping my body upright. It is much much easier for me to concentrate if I can lay my head on the desk, or lean it on my arms propped up on the desk, or in some other way get artificial support for my body that doesn't depend on me.

As far back as I can remember, it has always been like this. I remember my mom yelling at me that if I was "too tired" to hold myself (my body) up then I should go to bed, when I was still in elementary school. But it is not being tired that made me lay my head on the table or on my arms. My back, shoulders, and neck muscles just do not seem to be up to the task of supporting my body.


This was a HUGE problem in primary and secondary grades, not so much in college thankfully. I could concentrate better if I was not struggling to keep my head and body upright. I was never able to explain it to anyone why I was doing that, or even that it was not for the reasons they all assumed. I just had to endure being punished.

It was so confusing to me that I would get yelled at for not being able to support my own body easily, it wasn't anything I could change. no one else seemed to have that problem but I didn't think anything was wrong with me really. So it was very confusing.

It was never a "physical fitness" problem, that much I am sure of. I am not so physically fit now, but it was no easier when I was very physically fit. Even when I focused on "abdominal" and "back" exercises, it made no difference.

Just another mystery, there are many of those with my body, so many things about it that I do not understand.