First Chemistry Test

I'd forgotten how painful it is to write an entire test. I had gotten used to being able to type my tests, for the non-science classes. I often don't need extra time if I can type most of the test.

This test, I ended up needing an hour and 44 minutes beyond what I would have gotten without extra time. And, my right hand hurt so bad by the end of it, it was making me dizzy. Too much writing. It is a good thing I did ask for more time to take the test. And, a quiet room. I had forgotten how much I have to get up out of the chair and move around during the test, something I just can't do in a class full of other people. I've been accused of cheating when I did that, before, even though I would NEVER cheat.

I don't need to cheat, anyways. Not for most science classes. I don't have much trouble with actually knowing the material, although understanding what the question is asking is sometimes a challenge.

I think I did alright, probably at least a B if not actually an A. My right hand still hurts a lot. I got out my wrist braces last night and wore them to bed, and I think that helped.

The really exciting thing is the teacher let me take one of the molecule-building models home over the weekend. Maybe for the whole week until the next lab! Unfortunately, it took me less than an hour to build all the models required. I have to re-build them to take pictures, or draw them on the lab data sheet, though. But I wish there were more to build, and more complex ones too. There are only a limited number of elements represented in the model, and some critical ones are missing to make any really interesting molecules. There's no sulfur! It's so sad. I told J. I wanted a gigantic molecule-building kit, with representations of ALL the elements. Although I suppose I don't need any of the "noble gases", since they are too inert to form molecules (as far as I know at least).

My "lab partner" in class was having trouble with the stick-drawings of the molecules, so I tried to help her out. She said I was really good at it, so I explained that this was one of the games I played when I was a child. She said "some kid's game" and shook her head, which didn't make sense. It was a lot of fun for me, although it took me a while when I was a child to figure out how to make real molecules rather than ones that were "pretty". It still is a lot of fun, obviously, since I came home bouncing excitedly over having the kit to play with all weekend.

While I was writing this post, the grey cat came to visit. She jumped up on the deck railing right outside the window I face when I'm sitting at my computer. (Excuse the blurred smiley-face puppet and fern, I couldn't get a picture of the cat without including those since they are both in my window too.)

 

Maybe I'll just say nothing. No one needs to hear me anyways...

I saw my doctor today. She and the speech therapist both are convinced that I have the ability to speak and that I just choose not to speak, out of fear. I think. She is sending me to a psychologist in Seattle, I think, for some kind of psycho-therapy. I'll do it, but it'll be hard to "cure" my fear when I don't feel it. I'm not afraid of people, I just generally find them uninteresting and exhausting. Socializing is not usually fun. Kind of like someone who dislikes soccer would feel if they had to play a soccer game, I think. But apparently I'm self-deluded, or something. Or just don't understand.

She also refuses to believe that I have trouble understanding what others say. I wish I could make her hear her voice the way I hear it, then she'd understand how hard it is to understand her speech. Or anyone's speech.

So discouraged.

And then, when I was to leave the doctor's office, I got so lost I couldn't find the exit door. These women tried to help me, but I couldn't understand them. Finally one of them led me to the exit door and I found my motorcycle and sat down and cried. I hate being lost more than anything else. That, I will readily admit, feels me with fear, it makes me dizzy and my stomach sick and like I can't breath. I'm relieved I made it home.



I am still on the waiting list for the Provail center but when I emailed asking about it I was told the wait was now "indefinite, possibly never". The Division of Developmental Disabilities (the Washington state governmental organization that might help me) hasn't responded at all and I don't know where their office is to go ask in person. I know I need help, but I've run out of places to ask for help from.

I can't just give up. I can't accept that she is right and nothing more can be done.

But... What do I do now?

Tulip flower, finally!

My tulip flower finally bloomed! I am so excited, it's very lovely! I wish I had more pretty yellow tulips all over, because they are so very very pretty. Maybe I will ask J. if I can get some tulip bulbs to plant around the house, even if they aren't native he still might say yes. I love love love tulips so much, even more than I like roses! And, tulips have no thorns. But I still like roses too. Not the stupidly over-sized ones, but the small pretty little ones that smell so wonderful and have petals softer than velvet.

 My three baby Alberta spruce trees are also growing, all three have shiny leafy-green new growth needles!

The yarrow survived it's winter dormancy too, and is growing. I love the feather-like new leaves, so soft and pretty. The yarrow by the two Douglas-firs in the front yard are growing too, so I'll have to be careful to mow around them. They aren't growing as much as my garden-planted yarrow, though. My yarrow has lovely dark red flowers,  the yarrows growing naturally I think have very pale flowers but I don't remember what colour.

 The lavender bush has a lot of new growth too, shiny bright green new leaves! The rosemary bush, behind the lavender, it did not survive the winter. It's so sad. I really like rosemary, it's one of my favorite herb-plants. And, none of the seeds I tried to grow last year actually grew in to plants. So sad. I actually use the rosemary in cooking a lot too, and I much prefer using my own plant than buying it from the store.

Today I made the appointment with my doctor, finally, to talk about the results of seeing the speech therapist. I will have to try to explain why the speech therapist's conclusion doesn't make sense, I hope my doctor will understand. It was not a happy trip, the road the office is on was entirely closed off. There was machinery that was digging a giant hole in the road. While normally I adore such machinery and would love to sit and watch, it seriously disrupted my route and parking place. It took me 23 minutes to find a way around it and even longer to find a place to park my motorcycle. It was a time-restricted place too, so I will have to study the area and find a better route and parking place before the appointment next week. More to stress about. :(

So I came home and mowed the grass, so relaxing. I really like doing that, even if the mower is painfully noisy even through my music ear things and my ear muffs. I need to get replacement kiss earbug thingies, that work so well. But I do like mowing the grass. And, I get to watch the clouds in the sky, which were especially lovely today. I want to paint my room like the sky looked today. Bright bright blue sky and small wispy white clouds and big puffy grey-ish white clouds. Very pretty.

Pictures from the past few weeks

The neatest one first, from today. A tiny little animal less than half an inch long (not counting it's pretty tail)! J. suggests this might be a shrew and I think he is right. I have never seen such an animal in person, it was really neat! The entire animal, minus tail, is less than half an inch long. It was tiny! I took photos with my zoom lens, kneeling less than a few feet away. I saw it while watering my baby Alberta Spruce trees. Luckily it stayed in one place while I ran inside, grabbed my camera, switched to the zoom lens, and came back to take pictures. It was so kind, so after I was done I covered it with a leaf to help it feel safer. Then I left it alone, and it ran away shortly after. SO CUTE! It has the weirdest elongated nose, like an anteater only furry and with whisker-like thingies!

   

This is a northwest salamander, found while J. was digging around by the cut tree. It was so cute. But it did not enjoy being petted at all, so sad.

Finally, a picture of the small brown cat! She came back to play with me all afternoon on April 9th, but I haven't felt up to posting until now. She chased everything including J.'s extension cord for his power tools, so I distracted the cat with sticks and pinecones, my toes, fingers, pretty much anything that I moved she would chase and pounce on.

Lovely patch of moss. Not one I planted, just one growing randomly in the yard. So pretty! I love love love how it feels under my fingers.

Three of the pea seedlings that have sprouted. There's a whole row of them growing, I will need to build them a climbing fence soon. How exciting.

So noisy

Today's class was very difficult. There was much noise coming from outside the classroom. The class next to the one I was in was showing a movie for part of the time, which made it impossible to concentrate on the lecture. There was much noise coming from the hallway outside the classroom, especially during the first half of the class. I think someone may have closed the door to the classroom towards the middle of the class, at least that noise lessened. But the noise inside the classroom was too much by itself. Halfway through the class, one student noisily packed up and left, but took a while packing up. About 3/4 of the way through the classroom, more students were making packing-up noises. And other noises, that I can't identify except as coming from within the classroom. Student noises, probably.

I have no idea if it was actually noisier than the last class, or if I was just more sensitive and/or less tolerant, but it was impossible to hear the teacher. Thankfully, the topics covered were ones I have studied before, so I am not concerned about the loss of today's lecture information. But it is a challenge I have yet to find a good solution for. Normally, when noise bothers me I just put in earplugs or my mp3 ear things, or ear muffs. But what do I do when I need to hear one person talking? I can't block my hearing, or I won't hear the person. But if I don't block my hearing, I get overwhelmed very quickly. I can't tolerate sound over-load for long at all.

I am grateful that most of the time, I get enough from written stuff to get by. Teachers are often writing on the boards, overhead displays, or computer displays at least the major items that I need to know. So I can write those down and study more in detail when I get home. It's when teachers don't write anything down at all that I struggle to pass the class.

Frustrating, but I do not think there is anything I can really do to improve the situation. Luckily, most days my tolerance is enough to handle a class-length of such pain.

Chemistry Lab

This afternoon is the first actual chemistry lab, being graded and needing all the components of a lab report, involving the use of glassware and fire though no chemicals yet. I do not want to wreck this class as I did the last chemistry class I took. I am hoping the trick I used to succeed in math classes will work as well with chemistry (mainly, taking a single class at a time). And, supposedly the teacher is accommodating. He works through email a lot, which is helpful. I still get very little out of lectures, but he does write down the list of topics for the lecture at the beginning. So I can study on my own the topics he lists and probably do well enough for the lecture part of the class.

But the lab, it is very much a quick-thinking process that cannot be observed in class and then learned at home. So I am worried. I do not want to fail out of college a third time. I need this chemistry class, and the next one, to be accepted to the university. Until I pass both chemistry classes, I won't have access to all the help from the university.

Baby eagles

Two days ago, the first of three new baby eagles hatched. There are two cameras on the nest and of course it was recorded. If I did this right, the live video of the nest should be embedded below. The fluffy grey thing curled up next to one of the eggs in both the pictures above is the baby eagles. Baby eagles are VERY fluffy. It's a good thing their nests are generally so high and out of reach. I doubt I could keep myself from trying to pet one even at the risk of losing at the least my entire hand and possibly more to the parent...

Eagles are such beautiful birds, it's been very difficult to not spend too much time watching the nest. Especially when I have school. I am so glad that the entire video stream is being recorded.


All the video'd hatchings are linked to here (recorded, not live, although the third egg has yet to hatch so that could theoretically be watched live at the embedded video below): http://www.treehugger.com/files/2011/04/baby-bald-eagles-hatched-first-movements-and-near-tragedy-caught-on-live-stream-camera-video.php
More videos can be seen on the raptor project website: http://www.raptorresource.org/falcon_cams/index.html

Stream videos at Ustream

Chemistry Lab, Garden pictures

Friday was the first lab period for my chemistry class. I thought it would be an easy enough day, since the first lab was just reviewing safety information. I had forgotten, I guess. The video was awful, so many instances of students getting hurt. I had to work very hard to not cry, it was awful.


The safety video was the first part of lab, but the second part was even more upsetting. The teacher (the same teacher as during the lecture part of class) went over the safety rules for the lab and where all the safety equipment was and what to do in case of accidents, injuries, fire, or chemistry problems. He showed where the chemistry equipment was kept that the class would be using. And that, it reminds me of accidents I have had before and of how dangerous I can be in such an environment.


I have no idea why but my body just is not completely under my control like other people's bodies seem to be. When I do consciously move my hands, I often can't get my hands to do exactly what I require of them. It is why I have such a hard time with handwriting, all the tiny, precise movements required are difficult for me. With most things, it isn't that critical that I have good control over my hands. But a chemistry lab is a dangerous place, especially when using strong chemicals or bunsen burners. If I move my hand a few inches too far or in the wrong direction, I could hurt myself or someone else. Even absent those two things, almost everything used in the lab is made of glass. It doesn't take much of a bump to break chemistry glassware.


In my high school chemistry classes, I had a lab assistant to work with me and that prevented most accidents. There are no lab assistants in college. I have told previous teachers about the problem but no one has believed me. I get told that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, or that it isn't that bad, or that I'll be just fine and not to worry, or that I should just relax and concentrate on what I'm doing, or that maybe I should speak to a therapist about my "anxiety" problem.


Side-note- it confuses me how often I get told that anxiety is the problem when it's so obviously not. My poor body control is a constant. It has been a problem since my parents tried to potty-train me the first time and has continued to be a problem regardless of my mental state.


Anyway, there have been changes in the garden and I took pictures in the gardens last week but just got done working on the pictures today.

A long banana slug right in the middle of where J. and I usually walk... I put a rock right beside it to deter feet.

A leopard-print slug, also right where we usually walk, in front of the deck stairs. So neat-looking!

No idea what these purple flowers are called, but they are some of my favorite. They sprout up in a few different places around the house. I've moved some of them away from walking areas, because I really like them.
[Edited to add: Kwombles has let me know that these are called grape hyacinth. I like their name!] 

No idea what kind of tree this is, but it is so pretty covered in yellow flowers. [Edited to add: J. told me that this is a Forsythia bush, not native but still very pretty.]

My three new Alberta spruce trees. J. got me these three for my birthday. They are lovely, I'm very happy to have these in my garden, it is still a bit torn up from the dead one being removed but I'll fix it up soon.

One of the three plants J. got me for my birthday. All three of the plants have lovely new-growth colours! I thought it was flowers, but no the orange is just the colour of the new growth. One has creamy tips, and the other has red tips. I like them a lot, so pretty!

I have more photos on my flickr page, I didn't put them all here because they would take up too much space.